Detective Saviour’s Files

Is Wednesday, 31th of May 2006… 0822 hours…

So many nights… I couldn’t sleep soundless…

So many days… I couldn’t concentrate…

So many times… I just lose my appetite…

Why?….

Looks like I’m overdoing things…

Not looking carefully at minute details…

A cut on the hand… You just need to put some medicine…

A wound on the leg… You just need to bandage it up…

A crack in the bones… You just need to cement it…

But a hurt in the heart…. What do you do?…

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I was ask by a friend about that yesterday in school…

I couldn’t answer him back for I myself don’t have the answer to his question…

I understand how he feels for I’d suffered the same before…

All I can say to him is just move on… But that all really depends on you…

If you don’t have the will then it’s useless…

To see him crying… Makes my eyes watery…

To see him hopeless… With no one to care about… Makes me feel sorry for him…

To see him lose hope in everything… Makes me feel why is life so cruel sometimes?…

All I can say to him is that, "Maybe God want us to meet a few wrong people before we meet the right one, and when we do, we will learn to appreciate".

Who is in the wrong?…

He or she?…

I do not know…

Don’t blame yourself… For it’s not always your fault…

No point wasting your time on someone who will not waste their time on you…

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened…

It’s time to move on my friend…

Is Tuesday, 30th of May 2006… 0745 hours…

Problems… Couldn’t there be a solution to all problems?… Why must it be such a nuisance?… Why must one problem come after another?…

Sometimes… I would just to prefer to don’t think about anything at all… It helps to stop my brain from working… I’m sick of finding solution…

Scare?… Sometimes I am… I’m scare to find the answer that I know won’t be my pleasure…

Confuse?… I always have that feeling… I wonder sometimes why must it end like that?…

Depress?… I’m not shy to admit it… I hate because it sucks…

Complains?… Always receive from others but I have too many too deal with…

The worst way to feel bad is to lost something you dearly have and to add a bit of guilt to it…

Is Saturday, 27th of May 2006… 1812 hours…

Exam is over… I don’t know if I manage to achieve my target or not?… But I did my best and all can do now is wait and see… Orientation when not quite smooth at all… You can say that it was a total disaster at the end…

Me and Gan were the MC for the orientation and the most funny thing that I still don’t get it is why everyone including the Principle herself and the Lower Six Students thinks that I’m the Organiser?… Like it’s so obvious that The Counseling Club were the Organizer and I thought that the Principle should had known better herself…

The orientation start with quite a dull response from the Lower Six but me and Gan tried our best to bring some ‘live’ into eveyone present there… We succeed though but not for long when it came to a game called "Freeze"… It didn’t quite got favour in some of the participants… They complain straight to the Principle and she came down and ask to stop it…

I as the MC was then had to take the blame for eveything that when wrong that day… I wonder why didn’t the Organiser for that orientation said anything?… In the end, things start to get quite tense and Gan was very disappointed and she just left the oreintation just before it was about to finish… I don’t blame her for that… I got half a mind to do the same thing too but then it wouldn’t end so nice…

I tried to bring back some cheer at the end and it work… I guess… But I’m not quite too sure about how they all felt about the orientation… Seriously, it sucks… That was really an unorganised orientation… That is the last time I’m going to do anyone a favour… You can’t expect me to clean up every mess that you people cause…

Another two more hours to go… Before I can get the answer to my question… Somehow, I wish that this two hours to be a long one but it seems that this two hours is very short… I guess that I’m scare to hear the answer… What if it’s not the answer I hope it was?… Will it be best if I don’t get the answer later if I’m afraid that I might regret later?…

I’m in a dilemma now… Either I get the answer and face it or just leave it and never know the answer at all… What should I do?…

Is Friday, 19th of May 2006… 1635 hours…

Just finish my Maths 1 today… It was brutal… Each question gets harder and harder… Now that’s over… I got Bio on Monday, PA on Tuesday and to close it on Wednesday is Maths 2… Just great… Just what I need…

Hm… About Teacher’s Day… It didn’t quite run as smooth as I thought it would… Anyway, it was still a success… The MCs on that day was Siew Keem and Wei Ping… I had to go through quite a long discussion before they agreed… Anyho, Thanx a million… You two really save me there… Since every one else back out…

Well… On that day… Me and Boo became the unofficial photographers and camera men… Now I know that being a photographer and camera man is hard work… Is no joke as far as I can tell you… The whole event ended around 12:30pm like that… There wasn’t any allocation for us… That was the terible part… I was half-starving when I got home… And another person who was working with me there was also half-staring thanx to me… Sorry yea…

I when and recruit in some Lower Six prefects and the response was not exactly what I had expected… I thought that it would be around 50 plus like that but it turn out only 30 plus… Well… Maybe it is much easier then… I mean to choose… Hm… If my memory serve me correctly… There is 7 new boys… Four from my school… 1 from Hua Lian and the rest is from Kampung Jambu…

There is 13 new girls… 1 from Klian Pauh… 1 from Darul… 4 from Hua Lian… 3 from Bukit Jana… And the rest is from TMGS… Well… It looks like that this year… TMGS didn’t conquer like they did last year…

Hm… Now for some moment for myself…

Many people don’t realise that I do think a lot and I take some things very personal… Even though you didn’t mean it… Sometimes I always wonder… If I was to just do it and ignore the warnings that had been given to me… Will I succeed?… Or will I make things worse?…

Thinking about it… Makes me more eager to find the answer… Because of that… I’m even afraid to think about it anymore but the thoughts keep appearing in my mind… What am I to do?… I don’t want to break a promise if I intend to keep… I don’t want to keep a promise if I intend to break… I’m so lost…

Sometimes when all sort of unpleasant things happen to you… You feel just like giving up but then all of a sudden… Sometime out of the blue happens to you but just for a short while… You will happy just for that moment but then… It’s back where you started… Why?… What manner of game is this?…

Like this month… I waited for nearly two weeks then it happen but just for a short while… It’s really torturing… Now that’s why I plan to end it… But should I do it and ignore the warnings… Or let it be… And just wait with time?…

Is Saturday, 13th of May 2006… 0811 hours…

Finally… the colour blue is available…

What a stress up week… Even though I had three days off from school… "Work" still somehow manage to catch up with me… Teacher’s Day is just around the corner and I can feel the pressure and excitement even as I sit here… The preparation is going on well I guess… The presents are all ready… Thanx to Boon Sonn and Gan who help me out there…

The whole event is organize by the Prefectorial Board and from what I can tell you… Is no fun at all… I’m still very blur on who’s going to be the MCs on that day… Since Michelle back out… Well I can’t blame her… She already help me a lot… I need to settle with this problem today…

Argh… Exam is also just around the corner and here am I… Thinking about Teacher’s Day… Thanx God that the orientation for the Lower Six is organize by the Counseling Club this year… If it was under me… I’m going to hang myself… I’m so dead… I don’t think I have enough time to study every subject… Rats…

Well… All I can do now is just try my best and leave every thing else to God… Hm… The Lower Six is coming on this Monday… I’m eager to meet with my juniors again… And of course… The new faces… Haha… This coming Wednesday… I’ll meet all of the them and recruit in new Form Six Prefects… Then is happy Retirement Day for me…

Well… To be honest… Even though it was stressful… But I enjoy it every single bit… I enjoy working with my friends despite with some dispute that we had… I enjoy working with the Form Five and Form Four Prefects… Regardless on their unpredictable behaviour… But it reminds me of myself when I was a junior prefect…

Well… For my wonderful board of prefects… I really appreciate the hard work that you guys had done… All the best guys…

I have a special gift for my board of ECXOs… Is nothing special but it is unique… If you want to know whats that… You just have to wait a few days before we retire…

I came across a very interesting passage in the internet yestreday… It really make me feel touched… I think that I’m going to paste it on the Kelab Kebajikan notice board…

Is Friday, 5th of May 2006… 1737 hours…

Just stop it will ya?… Please stop bringing problems which has no connection with me… Why don’t you people ever try to understand my situation?… Why won’t you people ever stop treating me like an idiot?… I’m sick of this… I have feelings just like you… And it hurts okay…

"If nor loving friends can hurt you"… That’s a very nice line but I don’t think that I’m strong enough to hold on… Friends… When they need you… They will came politely to you… But once you’re no use at all… They’ll dump you and just leave… I hate that okay… I’m not a place for you to let your anger off and think that I won’t feel a single thing…

Please… I rather have no friends at all if that was the case… I rather live a alone in this world than to have my feelings hurt over and over again… It’s really sickening… When you’re feeling happy… You’ll smile with me but when you’re angry… You’ll start to show your temper to me… Why?…

If you want to share… I’m here to listen… If you need someone to comfort or give you advice… You can count on me… But if that is the way you are going to treat me… Why don’t you just kill me?… I feel like  in hell now… Is burning right inside of me now… I hate being nice and be repaid in a terrible manner…

Why don’t you ever ask yourself this simple question… Have I ever complain or ever decline you when you need me to help you?… Did I?… I can proudly say that I did not do this… And no matter how trouble am I sometimes… I can still find time and room for you and I’ll try my best to help you out…

Have I ever complain to you about the hardship that I had gone through?… Then why do you treat me like this?… You people always come to me and complain about everything but what about me?… When I want to share my problems… Your doors are always close… Why is that so?… I also deserve some sympathy sometimes you know?…

I also would like to have someone to hear me out and tell that it’s okay… Let’s sit down and think of a solution… But I don’t ever hear this at all… So please… Stop it… Don’t treat me like this anymore… I hate been rejected by everyone when I need their help but they will find me when they’re in trouble…

I don’t ever blame you at all… But what I would like is some appreciation of what I had done… I like some compliments sometimes you know?… Don’t treat me as a robot or a thing which you can do anything… I like to be feel accepted and appreciate by you… But why do you treat me like this?…

Where can I complain to?… Who am I to tell my problems if not you who I take as my friends… If not you?… Then who is it?… It’s like hell okay… You don’t actually know how it feel like to be rejected and been played with your feelings with… It’s no fun… It hurts… hurts… And each it happens… The wound keeps getting deeper and deeper…

Please… if you still take me as your true friend… Stop it… I’m already heart broken here because of you… Please don’t make it worse… Please…