Detective Saviour’s Files

It’s Wednesday, 28th November 2007… 1151 hours…

This is a story which all of a sudden came to me in a dream last night. It somehow express how I felt deep inside but only it was in a different situation. When I thought about the dream, I can clearly see what was the message about. Though it was in the battlefield, it was some sort like mine just that it was expressed in metaphors.

I was in the battlefield, alone, my whole entire base was completely wipe out by the massive attack of my enemies. I was there standing alone, with only a dagger in my pocket and a rifle sling around me. I check my ammunition and to my horror I was left with just 3 bullets.

I knew at that time, all hope was lost for me. I, alone, going against the entire battalion of my enemies. What hope is there for me to overcome my enemies when I myself was badly wounded not just physical but emotionally and mentally.

Standing alone in the field with dead bodies surrounding me, I thought of the only logically thing that was right at that moment. That is I reach for my dagger and end my misery life once and for all. For what good is it for me, if i go against my enemies knowing that the result will be a complete failure.

The pain and sufferings that I have been carrying since the dead of my troops was like a fire burning deep inside of me. Each time I see a soldier fall down, my sufferings just grow stronger. Wondering when will my turn be next?

I was determined, I held the dagger in my hand and was about to cut my left wrist. Somehow, I didn’t know where did I get the courage of attempting suicide but I know that it must be done. I close my eyes in despair and lay the dagger in my wrist.

Just as the sharp edge of the dagger was about to pierce into my skin, I heard a voice ringing in my head. I opened my eyes and the voice was becoming more clearly. It was reading to me passage from the Bible. It was from Psalms 23.

*

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for You are with me;

your rod and staff,

They comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

*

With that, I woke up with a strange feeling deep inside of me. I felt my heart was not trouble nor was I afraid at all. I looked at the clock and it was 10 am, this was the longest sleep I have ever had. Then, another verse start to ring in my head. It was from Proverbs 3, 5 - 6.

*

Trust in the Lord with all you heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make your paths straight.

*

The moral of this story, I leave it all in the verses. It can easily be spotted out if only you wanted to. That is what I had learned from this story. Every advice I need was all in His words.

It’s Monday, 26th of November 2007… 2359 hours…

What does it takes to start anew? Does some things can be truly forgotten? Even though it is forgiven? To forgive and forget. Easier said than done, it takes more than mere words of "I’m sorry" to mend things back.

Starting all over again is not something that everybody would want to do after all the hard work that had been put to see it become a success. Building it involves a lot of steps but destroying it requires a simple mistakes which can be sometimes just words said at the wrong time.

To begin again requires courage and a strong self-esteem which I sometimes seem to lack of. Starting fresh again is very easy if only the guilt inside of you does not consume your consciousness.

Maybe it’s the perspective that needs to be change or is it just the attitude? Probably it’s the attitude I guess. But starting all over again is something I’m not so sure because things can never be the same again.

To regret is worse than to do it. Taking the risk always have a price to be paid for.

It’s Thursday, 22nd of November 2007… 1137 hours…

It’s my first semester holiday now and it will last for one month. But I won’t be spending the whole month here back home, I’ll be going back to Kelantan on the 10th of next month because I need to do some preparation for the Christmas Night and also meet some seniors regarding the Chinese New Year sketch…

Four months, come and go, and I didn’t imagine myself before that I’ll be feeling a bit moody when I return back home during the holidays. Probably because of something I did or something I said which made me in this state…

I try to enjoy the holidays but somehow, I still wonder on how to fix the problem. Because after the break, I still need to go back there and face the problem. Running away isn’t always the solution nor would I say the ultimate solution to any problems…

I thought of making it up this holiday but still wonder if I should? Patrick advised me to seek wisdom, knowledge, and understanding from God. Wisdom in what to do, knowledge in when to do it, and understanding in how to do it…

Probably I should constantly keep praying and hope that He will grant me the answer I seek. Ask and you will receive, seek and you will be given, knock and it shall be open…

To past my time here, I’m doing some hand work which I learned from a senior, making crucifix out of fishing line and colourful beads…

I still have a long way to go and it’s not easy since I already set my mind to make a certain amount before heading back to Kelantan…

But once I’ve finish, I’ll take some pictures and put it in friendster…

By the way, this is my first official blog type with my own laptop… Cost me RM 2900/-…

It’s expensive by it’s worth for I need for my studies…

Well, I won’t promise that I’ll always post my blog as I use to do last time. But maybe I’ll post one or two more blogs before I head back to Kelantan…