Detective Saviour’s Files

It’s Sunday, 27th April 2008… 2109 hours…

It has been two days since I came back to Taiping and like I was afraid of, nothing really change back home. Things are still the same. Words of abusing and actions that hurts still remains until now. Sometimes I really wonder how I can really help?

Divorce will be the easiest solution but it just too complicated to be explained. Sometimes I do wonder to myself. How can God still use me and still tell me that He has great plans that He need me to accomplish for Him. Someone who doesn’t really comes from a good family background.

It’s so strange. It was because of His great love for me and that He saved me and guided me in my life until today which really makes me to put my trust in Him.

I’m halfway through the book which my senior gave me about being a healthy youth minister and it’s really an eye-opener you know. I didn’t know that there is so many things that really needs to be reconsider before you can even carry out a programme.

You need to have an identification for the types of students in your campus before you can start reaching out to them. Not all of them react the same way. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t doing really well in my first year and was sometimes feeling a bit frustrated.

The most important thing to be remembered is the ‘why’ are we here before answering the ‘how’ to accomplish it. Once the ‘why’ is answered, doing the ‘how’ will be on the right track and it will always lead to the ‘why’.

Evangelism, Ministry, Worship, Discipleship, and Fellowship. A healthy balance between these five element will help in accomplishing to the ‘why’ we exist.

I still remembered during my previous CF committee meeting, when we ended the meeting. We were left to think about a question. "How God want to use you in the next academic year?”

I was kind of thinking about the question myself these few days but I’m still uncertain how will I serve in my coming academic year. I do have some ideas but I really need something that will help me have a vision for what can I do for my brothers and sisters and also for God.

I’m still thinking how can the prayer meet every Saturday evening help my brothers and sisters to build them in there faith but I also need to know that to cover all the five elements is not possible for a balance is important to be healthy.

I need to focused on one clear vision. I consider myself as a core but still learning young christian. I have some plans of having bible studies and fellowships. Reaching out to non-christian. Reaching to my brothers and sisters who isolated themselves.

I really want to make a different in this campus. We have this some sort of 1st year ministry which was started by a friend who she says that she was called by God to do it. But it seems to upset some of our seniors for we kind of focused to much on the first year.

I think that all will change when we come back for our next academic year. It’s not another Christian society or a branch from the current CF but its more like a few Christian who are determined to reach out to others and strengthen our fellowships.

For I believe that we still stick to our CF purpose statement which tells the "why" the CF exist in this campus and I feel that we should help in accomplishing that vision and goal.

Christian Fellowship USMKK is here to TOUCH the life of students with God’s love, BONDING and GROWING together as a family in order to SERVE and GLORIFY God.

It’s Thursday, 24th of April 2008… 2216 hours…

The power of God’s love. It’s truly amazing and breath-taking. Yesterday afternoon, I was letting out my frustration here and asking and seeking for God’s help. Miraclely, He did answer me only He didn’t answer me face-to-face but through someone else.

After I had finish with my blog posting yesterday, I conducted a Bible study with my friends which I had initially planned earlier. It’s about faith and to be honest, I wasn’t feeling all passion about it and I wasn’t really quite in the mood at all.

Reluctantly, I carried on and through halfway the Bible study. I felt a bit better when it came to the Q & A part. I did partake in it and sort of share out a bit of my frustration. But at the same time, I also told them how I was going to overcome my problem.

The funny thing here is that before that, I only knew of grumbling about it but not thinking about how to solve it. But as I when through the Bible study, there were some words which I had previously read, realize me about the important of having a strong faith.

After we finish our Bible study together. I did a small but quite emotional (which I was almost crying) prayer for all of my sister-in-Christ. As I prayed, I felt my heart being touch by the Holy Spirit and that time I really couldn’t continue on praying.

I felt so weak at that time but also a sense of renewal was overwhelming inside of me. In the end, I manage to finish up the prayer but ended up sobbing. To be honest, though I felt a bit relieve but my heart was still in pain.

When I went back to my room. I saw a book on my table which had the title "Healthy Youth Ministries Have Spiritually Healthy Leaders". I asked my roommate who put it here and he told me that a Chinese guy did.

One person came to my mind who could put it there, and I guess it was David, my previous CF president. At first, I just glance at it and didn’t understand why did he put it there for me? I mean, why do I need that for? I don’t think that I want to read that kind of book now since my mind is not organize well now.

As these question keep running through my mind. My body seem to have another mind of its own. Before I knew it, I was standing right in front of his room. So I knocked and as usual in his cheerful greeting He greeted me in and I asked him about the book and then he began to explain.

He say that it was really a good book especially for youths who are full with passion for God’s works. I at that moment I felt that I think I had enough passion to tell what to do for God. He told me that He really learn a lot from this book and He just had an extra copy so He just thought of passing it on to me.

You see, at that time, I though I knew I had enough passion and knew what I was doing for God. I know the works I was doing and the good things I’m showing to others.

But that all change my mind when I started reading the book. In the first chapter, it starts off by portraiting two different individuals. The first one was full with passion for God and was always planning interesting programmes and activities. The other was an experienced youth worker and knew what can hype really bring in the end.

When I had finish chapter one of the book. I started to reflect back on myself. Was I like that too. Was I too arrogant to see myself that the more I try to please everyone. The further was I from God. That’s why He’s letting me suffering now. He wants me to come back to Him. Oh, how could I had sinned against Him.

I was spending all my time doing the work of God without being a person of God. To make me realize that, God simply remind me that, " I can never do enough, He wants me to know an important truth that will save me a lot of pain, heartache, and time if I can understand that, I can never do enough. For there is always more to be done.

I started off well when I was starting my second semester but I lost my sense direction towards the end of the semester. The fact was, I wasn’t really concentrating well. I thought I was doing all right and I didn’t really consulted Him and I though I knew what I was doing.

When I was reading through the other chapters in that book. It seems so clear to me what I needed to do. I need to reestablish that connection with My Heavenly Father again. I had allowed myself to be overwhelm with the earthly materials that without realizing I had put Him aside.

So now, I have two great mission which I must accomplish in this period of holidays. First is to seek Him like I never did before. I want to place Him first in my heart again. I want to feel His love for me again. That feeling of belonging to someone who loves you.

And the second mission is to practice and equip myself with all the necessary information I need for my course. It will be a tough semester ahead so I plan to prepare myself well before I head back for my second year.

These two great mission. I commit it into my Father’s hand. May His wisdom and guidance lead me through this plan of mine. I don’t really want to think of anything else other than to build back my relationship with Him.

Besides, I had also promise my brothers and sisters-in-Christ that I will improve and be a better brother for them. Through Christ, I can do all things for He gives me the power and wisdom which is beyond my own capability.

My journey begins now. It won’t be easy but I’m not giving up now and never will I for He did not give up on me so why must I give up on Him.

*

And now these three remains: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13

It’s Wednesday, 23rd of April 2008… 1335hours…

Today is the last paper for my first year in USM. It’s strange how time pass so fast and how things eventually turn out to be. Right now, I’m sitting in a place in my hostel. No lights on except from my laptop. Trying to shake off this hatred and guilt which is in me again.

Coming to an end of a year of studies here. There times where I enjoy the most but those dreams will only remain as some of my shattered dreams which now turns to be one of my miserable things to remember.

I hate this feeling. It’s coming back to me again. I try to seek the company of my friends but it seems like their all busy with their own things and activities. I really wish for just this one time. Before I go back, to be with my friends, enjoying myself this day so that at least when I go back tomorrow. I’ll have something sweet in my mind to think of.

My medic and dental friends are all busy preparing for their exam which just start today. My other friends are all busy with their own programmes and stuff. I initially though of organizing a hang-time tonight but it seems that everyone has their plans.

I wonder how I’ll be spending the time today. My Lord, please help me fight against this hatred and lonely feeling which I’m having. I hate it so much. I don’t really know who to tell this for it’s too shameful for me to even think about it.

I may be strong but I’m so weak inside. My dreams,  are all shattered this year.

That’s why I say renew hopes but, it won’t be easy for it takes time to recover from this shattered dreams. Dreams where you thought you can achieve. Hopes… Faith… Love… I still have it but I’m going to war again with my evil self again. That dark side is burning so strong in me again.

I hate it so much. My Lord, please help me. I really want to be a better servant for you My lord. Please teach me how can I be one? I really want to seek you first. I want to put you first in my life. Please My Lord, help me…

*

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make your paths straight.

                           - Proverbs 3: 5-6 -

It’s Friday, 11th of April 2008… 2250 hours…

I was actually sleeping just now, thought of having a one or two hours of sleep and then waking up and continue on my studies. But before I climb on my bed, I had this urge to take the Bible with me and hug it as I doze off.

I didn’t find anything peculiar with that for I had done it like a dozen times before. Only this time it was different. As I was lying on my bed with my Bible held close to me, I though of the things that had happen to me today.

As I kept on recalling back, I felt more sleepier and just slept. But what happens after that was just exactly what happen to me before. That feeling. That sense of His voice. That feeling of His presence. It was the same situation that I felt before.

I felt His presence so true before me. Though it was just a few minutes but He wanted me to do something. He wanted me to say something and it must be done before I leave back to my hometown.

Even now, I’m so emotionally touch.  For a moment ago before I went to sleep. I prayed to Him and was asking Him to send His grace and blessings to a few sisters of mine who are going through some difficulties in their studies and personal problems.

And now He gave me this burning desire to say some things but the time is not right yet. Though I can’t hold onto this burning passion in me to let it be known to others but He calmed me down and wants me wait in His time.

My God, I just feel so happy now that tears are rolling down my cheeks. To feel Your presence is such a blessing and to carry out Your works is a privilege. My God, I pray that Your presence will be true in the faith of my brothers and sisters as they seek for you.

Hear their cries, My God. Let your grace and love flow in them as they draw closer to You. Teach them to have a discerning heart as they follow Your ways. Teach them to do their best for You in all that they do and say.

Teach them to strengthen their faith in You, for this I pray to you. Let your healing hands be upon them who needs healing whether it’s physically, emotionally or spiritually. May the works of the Holy Spirit prompt us with Your will.

Now, I will seek Your words in what you want me to say before I leave back home.

And I shall end my post with Psalm 23…

*

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Amen…