Detective Saviour’s Files

It’s Sunday, 8th of June 2008… 0934 hours…

The title ‘Reflection’ reminded me of the Sabbath day that I used to had in Camp Cameron ‘08. Many things back home needed my attention and to be honest, I just wish that I don’t have to face it. It’s not easy after going through such happiness for three weeks and then you have to return back to reality.

For what I’m feeling now is just wanting to go back to campus and start my new semester for this academic year. Just one week and the problems at home seem to get the better of me. I do feel ashamed when I think of this for before I left camp. I was really inspired to bring a different but day by day, the problems just seem to weary me down.

Since I left camp, I still practise quiet time by myself. I do find God speaking to me through His words but I just don’t know how to apply it. What concerns me more is will I be able to still practise quiet time when I start my new semester? I’ll be busy with my clinic practises and I’m just scare that I’ll be too exhausted to continue it on.

I haven’t finish my assignment yet. I have the information that I need but I haven’t actually read it through and sort it out in the correct order which I need. That would probably take me about 2 -3 hours or so I guess. This whole week, the only thing that I did the most was lying on bed the whole day.

I just don’t get it? Why do i feel so lazy all of a sudden? I don’t behave like this before. Maybe my body need to really recharge itself but I find it ridiculous for I remembered studying late at night during my exams and waking up early yet still feel energetic.

Speaking about exams. My result was out and I really thank God for it. I scored a 3.28 for my previous semester and my average grade for my first year is 3.02. That was something that really made me feel good this week. I remember performing badly for my first semester and was called to my lecturer’s office.

The only thing to avoid myself from entering there again is to make it up in my second semester and thank God I did it. Those nights of staying up late and revising every spare time that I had, I give thanks to God for sustaining me throughout those time.

To be honest, I feel I didn’t speak that much this week. That’s another thing that bothers me. I’m not doing what I’m suppose to be doing. In the Cantonese term, there’s a word called ‘cin ka’ and that’s what I feel about myself now. Breaking a promise because of fear.

My Lord, why am I feeling like this? I don’t understand myself now? There is two part living in me and each half is telling me two different things to do. One is telling me to start make some differences and the other is telling me to hold on and just wait first. I read through Your words and I can’t seem to apply it in my life. Have I lost my faith? No, I don’t think so. Why do I feel so weak inside? My mind and heart has become the enemy of my soul. The two is telling me to do things the other way round. Father please help me. I seek for Your wisdom and comfort in dealing with this matter. I alone cannot do it without Your grace. Please sustain me Father.

After letting it out, I feel a bit better now. Well, tomorrow I’ll be going back to the kindergarten to finish up my report. I do miss those kids and I’ll just see what has happen to them since I was gone for three weeks.

"A man of understanding is of a calm spirit" ~ Proverbs 17:27

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